(no subject)
Jun. 8th, 2022 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
iniquiticitymeta on "the becoming"
oh i get to talk about WHATEVER i want? i hope you are one of the three readers who is into the becoming.
i wrote this ENTIRE story just so i could have astrid kill trent. and it’s funny because when i got there, i actually didn’t know exactly HOW i wanted her to kill him. it’s tense! because in a way, it’s the apex of the story! but also in a way it’s not! because because while trent is obviously the enemy of the story in many ways, the “real” enemy of the story is herself, and trauma, and not getting fuckin’ therapy, and not believing in the person who loves you. there was a lot of early drafting and re-drafting. like does Trent attempt to fight back? He can’t speak, obviously. he probably can’t move his hands.
but so much of the story is about astrid being her worst enemy, right? as a result i decided really against trent fighting back in really any conceivable way. mostly i wanted her to ascribe things to him, because trent really functions in the story as a ghost - her abuser of her past. and so much of the story is about her (wrongly) thinking that since she’s become archmage, that past now means nothing. wrong! the body keeps the score, bitch!
and then there’s also, obviously she really HAS been daydreaming about this for a long time. and the cathartic time of it was taken away from her! so the narrative arc she has daydreamed is gone. it’s just her and this ratty, disgusting, rotting old man who can’t speak. and even STILL he holds power over her. the things he has done - the past that made her - is still in him. so there’s this this horrible starstruckness to it, kind of like an aborted sneeze coming around, but also — it’s never as good as how you imagined it in the mirror, right? she cuts him but it’s just … it’s just NOTHING.
and then there’s this dynamic about – how? the first draft of the strangle included the words “the masters tools cannot dismember the master’s house” (thanks audre lord). and astrid realizes this in her own self-hating way. she wants to be free of him but can’t. all of her skills, all of her ability, all of her precision - it’s his, in a way! she turns to this barbaric, evidence-leaving, hands-on approach - the OPPOSITE of everything a vollstrecker should be. there is nothing ghost-like about strangling someone and leaving them to rot. and in the way it’s a victory. she was not able to kill someone who loves her, a victory. she IS able to kill her abuser. a victory. she is able to feel something that was outside his touch. a victory. she does not monologue to him. a victory.
oh i get to talk about WHATEVER i want? i hope you are one of the three readers who is into the becoming.
i wrote this ENTIRE story just so i could have astrid kill trent. and it’s funny because when i got there, i actually didn’t know exactly HOW i wanted her to kill him. it’s tense! because in a way, it’s the apex of the story! but also in a way it’s not! because because while trent is obviously the enemy of the story in many ways, the “real” enemy of the story is herself, and trauma, and not getting fuckin’ therapy, and not believing in the person who loves you. there was a lot of early drafting and re-drafting. like does Trent attempt to fight back? He can’t speak, obviously. he probably can’t move his hands.
but so much of the story is about astrid being her worst enemy, right? as a result i decided really against trent fighting back in really any conceivable way. mostly i wanted her to ascribe things to him, because trent really functions in the story as a ghost - her abuser of her past. and so much of the story is about her (wrongly) thinking that since she’s become archmage, that past now means nothing. wrong! the body keeps the score, bitch!
and then there’s also, obviously she really HAS been daydreaming about this for a long time. and the cathartic time of it was taken away from her! so the narrative arc she has daydreamed is gone. it’s just her and this ratty, disgusting, rotting old man who can’t speak. and even STILL he holds power over her. the things he has done - the past that made her - is still in him. so there’s this this horrible starstruckness to it, kind of like an aborted sneeze coming around, but also — it’s never as good as how you imagined it in the mirror, right? she cuts him but it’s just … it’s just NOTHING.
and then there’s this dynamic about – how? the first draft of the strangle included the words “the masters tools cannot dismember the master’s house” (thanks audre lord). and astrid realizes this in her own self-hating way. she wants to be free of him but can’t. all of her skills, all of her ability, all of her precision - it’s his, in a way! she turns to this barbaric, evidence-leaving, hands-on approach - the OPPOSITE of everything a vollstrecker should be. there is nothing ghost-like about strangling someone and leaving them to rot. and in the way it’s a victory. she was not able to kill someone who loves her, a victory. she IS able to kill her abuser. a victory. she is able to feel something that was outside his touch. a victory. she does not monologue to him. a victory.