(no subject)

[iniquiticity]

Prompt: Iron-PTA dad! Alex's sex ed group dare each other to ask questions they think will shock him.

Asked by enigmairi

i don’t know what this prompt looks like but the best is that when alex realizes what is happening, he’s just like “holy shit, you guys watch really boring porn. like come on, putting four sharpies in your asshole is not really that weird, and neither is being electrocuted. why don’t you guys google ‘sounding’ and then come back to me.”

(eliza yells at him because one of the other parents complains to her that their kid now knows what sounding is.)



Pickle I’m sorry but I need to run with this.

Alex starts with the basics: here’s how to put on a condom, here’s all the diseases you avoid by putting on a condom, here’s answers to every question a group of high-schoolers could ever have.

Eliza passes out snacks, Phillip always finds some excuse to be out of the house during these lectures.

The kids are bright, maybe too bright, and ask about stuff they shouldn’t possibly know. But Alex answers everything because if not him, then what? Reddit? Pornhub forums? Fuck that shit.

One kid, real shy and quiet, raises his hand and timidly asks about “getting a hand up there”.

“You mean fisting?”

“I guess.”

“Jesus kids, where are you finding out about all this? No, don’t tell me.”

He sighs.

“Look, fisting is definitely a thing, but that’s advanced level stuff. Stick with the basics until you’re more experienced. If you’re learning to drive, don’t start racing cars.”

He only gets two angry calls from parents that week.


oh this is definitely a thing that happens and alex is VERY serious about it. that ironflint alex will demand everyone has sex ed and will fucking tweet about it and shit and like slip it under doors and stuff. NO NE is stopping him from educating phillip’s high school (and whoever else wants to show up) about sex. literally he does not care if they fucking protest outside of his house (he’s used to that). he has a secret facebook group and shit. also if like your parents are all over your social media, he’ll print you out a nice pamplhlet. he’s even like “here’s public key cryptography 101. Here’s my public key. here’s the information you should know about sex. pulling out doesn’t work. also i will get you birth control if you need it.” he’s all like: use a fucking condom! lube is completely a thing. going slow is a good idea! listen to your body! communicate with your partner! try new things! also a little low-down on good kink manners because he was really bad at this. trust your instincts and find a partner you trust. don’t do things you don’t want!

as far as he’s concerned the most important thing you could learn in school is how Make Friends And Shit-Talk Enemies, an also how to wrap your fucking tool. (ladies: here’s the low-down on birth control, UTIs, consent, escaping dangerous situations….. i hope you never need this. But.)

he also finds some really good online resources for all of these things and is like “Jerk off to PornHub all you want, but how they fuck is not actually how real people fuck. Look at this other website on what’s a good way to be an actual excellent lay.”

he also gets really fucking mad when you fuck with the school curriculum. No, you can’t fucking remove Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret from the reading list. And you can’t fucking take off 1984 either. And I noticed that we only spend four days on the slave trade? Maybe we could like have two weeks for the horrible subjugation of other humans?

also if you’re going to put things in your ass, FLARED BASE.

etc etc. i can probably gon on with this for a while.

“Do you know how many people end up in the ER with things stuck in their butt, trying to convince some doctor that they slipped getting out of the shower and fell on it? Seriously, save yourself the time and medical expenses by making sure that anything you put up there can’t go all the way in.”

“Okay, I’m going to stop you right there: the story woman who masturbated with a live lobster is an urban legend that’s older than you are. There’s no way that tiny lobster babies could have hatched in somebody’s uterus, and putting a live crustacean in your vagina is a bad idea on so many levels: those things are totally unsanitary and they can’t consent.“

“Let’s talk dick pics. Throwing one into a conversation without asking first is like whipping it out of your pants mid-conversation and forcing somebody to look at it. In the offline world that shit gets you arrested for indecent exposure, and just because you’re on the internet doesn’t make it okay.”